[DebtandMoney]

I understand and believe that helping adult kids does not teach them to be responsible. I have a step-son who is 25. About 18 months ago he was diagonosed as mentally ill and is now on social security disability. He appears perfectly fine but hasn't worked in almost 2 years. He attended and finished an associate degree at a community college. He lived with us after college until almost a year ago when I couldn't take it anymore - he had drug abuse issues, etc. and he now has has own apartment about a mile away.

My husband and I have almost $50,000 of credit card debt and loans not counting a mortgage that we are trying to get paid off this year and we have really no emergency fund. My husband jumps in and helps anytime his son has an emergency - car breaks down, window broken, computer breaks, etc. His son sits around all day playing computer games and watching movies. I don't think we should be his emergency fund when we have so much debt and no emergency fund ourselves. It is tight for him with his disability pay but he needs to learn to budget and live frugally. Up until recently he was still smoking cigarettes. I think he could find something to do to make a little money. My husband does not agree and helps him out with all emergencies without informing me - often having to put them on our credit cards as we don't have the cash flow to cover them. Your thoughts on helping adult children in these circumstances?

[Scoobie]

My heart goes out to you and your husband... and to the 25 year old kiddo.

My brother suffers from mental illness...

My sister and I tried for a very long time to get my father to stop giving my brother money... and buying him gifts... excessive gifts. Because my brother can not hold on to these things.

My brother can not function like a "normal" kid. (He's 30 BTW). It wasn't until the last few years that my dad and mom decided to put my brother in a group home. My brother was able to graduate from high school, and he did complete one quarter of community college - but had never worked until just this past year.

In my dad's case - he wants my brother to live the best life he possibly can - so he gives him gifts and experiences he knows my brother will no longer have once my dad passes away. He can not give my brother much in a will - because my brother's social security will be taken away until the estate is gone. (Suze's got a thread on Trust Funds for disabled children... make sure you check that out.) My dad is trying to put a trust fund together - but does not have much money at all to fund it. My brother will never again live the life that he has gotten accustomed to...

The biggest change in my dad was this particular question. "How are you preparing your son for life on this planet once you are gone?"

"How are you preparing your son for life on this planet once you are gone?"

I am not going to be able to take care of my brother. His circumstances are not as good as mine. My circumstances are not as good as my sisters (We're all 10 years apart - I'm in the middle)... But each of us has our challenges with life, love and money - and ultimately we are simply unable to take care of each other. We each have to take care of ourselves.

Whether that means getting the right support group in place, the right doctors, the right trust fund, the right housing, advocates, medications, etc. If your husband can help his son get those things together you all will be in a much better place.

But it is what it is. So how do you all learn to live with it in the best possible way - and support one another in a way that is healthy for everyone. (Because if you can't support your husband in this you will resent him and his son forever.)

I don't have any answers.. so I just have to keep asking myself the question... "What would love do now?"

As far as the financial goes - I'm sure someone on here has some great answers.
Definately get a trust fund set up and find out how your son's social security will be affected... look over your will.

Be consistant with your money actions towards your son. Some lessons take longer than others. Mental illness needs structure and consistency to help the brain function.

Ask your husband "When you are gone have you given him the tools, resources and connections he will need to survive?"

And you're going to have to trust me on this. Mental illness is real - and even if you don't think he is ill - take a good look at his life. Learn what you can about the illness he has and you will be a good resource for your husband and you will feel less anger about the actions of the son.

[late 20's]

Wow!! My son (11 yrs. old) has autism and is mild mentally ill. I also worried about his future and when I am gone. I went once to a financial planner in which they stress out a special need trust. I also read the thread of the special need trust.

Have you looked at conservertorship, or being the Payee from the SSI? If the adult (mentally ill) cannot manage his $, maybe he needs someone else to manage this money.

[Scoobie]

My dad is the conservetor of my brothers money... but not everything else. Because my brother is capable (sometimes) of making some of his own decisions. When my father goes my sister will take over in this capacity.

Definately look into conservetorship - there are a few options in this case.

[Scoobie]

Oh - and one other thought for Lillian -
Are your finances combined with your husband? Do you have shared accounts or separate accounts?

You may want to have your own account so you can make choices about where your earned money is going. As far as the joint credit cards same thing - look at the bill and decide who pays for what.

My husband has resisted this for years... but we spend money differently and we come from two very different backgrounds.

If you don't want to fund your husband's sons emergencies don't. But your husband will make whatever financial decisions he wants about his son...

I can't imagine denying my daughter anything - even though I have seen the pattern that my dad set up with my brother. I now know it's in my best interest to "teach my daughter how to fish" so to speak.